Tuesday, October 16
An ESM Tuesday
What’s strange about this Tuesday’s collection of photos is that they all match.
They’re full of soft browns, charcoal blacks, warm greys and greens.
Which is great because those are the colors I’m using to decorate and paint our home.
Maybe my life will become more zen in the process, too?
Painting, however, was not zen. My mind was full of doubts and fears yesterday as I painted our hallway. I’m impatient and frustrated by where we are right now and instead of counting my many blessings, I obsessed over all the things that are going wrong- or, rather, not going the way I want them to.
Le Chat stayed out of my way yesterday. She doesn’t like it when I compete with her for Queen Bitch status in the flat. But isn’t it cute that even she matches our color scheme? Those green eyes kill me.
Eventually, I had to take a break from painting to stop and get some real work done.
I was cold in the living room so I relocated to my bed and turned up the heat.
And then I complained in my head about how I don’t have a desk and could feel myself turning into a hunchback. Like I said, I was mentally not in a good place.
David went out for a beer with one of his sons and I got to stay home to finish painting.
And then I had ugly thoughts about never being included in David’s family life and I felt miserable.
Which, of course, is ridiculous. All of it- ridiculous.
And then I was like, fuck it, I’m going to have a glass of wine while I do this.
This pretty much sums up my mood.
Finally, I was done. For a while, at least.
I’d sanded the woodwork, filled holes, and wiped away spider webs. I’d painted over the fingerprints and grime that had accumulated over the years. I’d contorted myself to reach awkward corners and had a few aches and bruises to prove it. And I wasn’t anywhere close to being done.
Today I will paint green stripes on top. God bless my math skills…
After all the painting I sat my ass on the couch and whined/cried to David about how tired I was.
This issue of Monocle
was close at hand, but I wasn’t actually reading it at the time.
I was crying, instead.
Why am I painting this house when all I want to do is move away from it? Why did I leave so many possessions that I love in America when I could have them here and be living more comfortably? Why oh why did we come to this country? Why isn’t everyone telling me how amazing I am for painting this hallway? etc.
And then David was like, “Kate, you need to focus on getting out of this negative place you’re in.”
And then he let me whine a little more and was really nice and listened to all my grievances.
And then he gave me a hug and told me I couldn’t go on this way- that he wouldn’t stand for it.
So we went to bed.
And today I feel a lot better.
And, like, if I don’t get my period in the next couple days, I will have no justification for being so miserable yesterday.
So godspeed, Menstrual Cycle. Let’s do this.
Off now to paint some green stripes… wish me luck.